5,000 Great One Liners by Grant Tucker

Author:Grant Tucker [Grant Tucker]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781849544825
Publisher: Robson Press, The
Published: 2012-03-13T16:00:00+00:00

There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.

Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when the person across the aisle is reading it?

I’m having awful car trouble. The car won’t start and the payments won’t stop.

I’ve just seen my first snake of the summer. He was canvassing the neighbourhood and passing out election brochures.

Do you know what I find interesting? Neither does this guy who keeps talking to me.

I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.

Instead of ‘single’ as a marital status, it should be ‘independently owned and operated’.

The worst part of the server crashing is that she was carrying my starter.

Every time I hear of someone being attacked by a shark, I think, ‘Didn’t they hear the music?’

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

Don’t you know it’s rude to talk while I’m interrupting?

Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

I think it’s adorable how children start looking like their owners.

The later I get, the drunker it is.

Actually, I’m not getting smaller. I’m running away from you.

The only people who really love change are wet babies.

Never bring a ladle to a knife fight. You’ll be able to dish it out but you’ll never be able to take it.

Being married to me gives my wife something to live for: a divorce.

Knowledge is power: the power to make other people feel stupid.

You know that tingly feeling you get when you like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.

Don’t insult my intelligense.

Muscle relaxants go straight to my tongue.

Every cigarette you smoke takes five minutes off your life. According to my calculations I should have died in 1879.

What’s green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

My psychic friend just thanked me for his surprise birthday party. Looks like I’ll have to plan one now.

No one ever answers my questions, but they always question my answers.

The only normal people are the ones you don’t know very well.

Ever since my beak transplant, I’ve had a fowl mouth.

My checking account is like the Sistine Chapel: overdrawn.

I just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

Robots are never anxious. They have nerves of steel.

If you pass the same ‘turning point’ in your life twice, get yourself a new satnav receiver.

Asking a pessimist his opinion is like asking a fire hydrant how it feels about dogs.

You can’t expect me to stick to my resolution to give up drinking. I was drunk when I made it.

The honorary doctorate is to the PhD as the Burger King crown is to the monarchy.

I took my parents for granted until I had kids of my own. I don’t know what I’d do if they weren’t here to raise them.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

Changes are ahead: I’ll keep you abreast once I figure out what is afoot.

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